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Keeping a Diary

I've just begun writing in a diary again.

For my birthday, I got the 'One Line a Day Five Year Memory Book' and I think it's such a wonderful thing. Although I have only kept it for 2 months, I already can look back at the memories I've collected with nostalgia, so what will it be like in five years time, when I'm on my final year? I'll be 21 by then - which seems so old - and yet 5 years is such a short period of time that it scares me that so much can change in that period. I'll be in my final year of university then, but I've only just finished my GCSEs! I hope to have done so many things by that time - I want a distinction in grade 8 flute and a performance diploma, I want to have finished my first novel, I want to have got GCSE and A-level results that I'm proud of (and some rather more personal things that I'm not really ready to share with the internet...). This is such a big period of change, where I'm essentially deciding what I want to do for the rest of my life.

But the thing with this diary is that you are blessed with only a few lines a day, which leaves me craving for more room to write all my thoughts and feelings for that day. Hence why I have begun another diary, filled solely with said thoughts and feelings. To begin with, I organised my thoughts and made them comprehensible, but I'm only on my second entry and already I'm just spilling out everything I've ever thought into random ramblings. Anything I've ever remembered thinking or feeling I suddenly write down, and yes it may now be a mismatch of random notes and opinions and emotions but it feels like I'm spilling out every dwindling thought that I've had and kept locked away onto a page.

It's so incredibly therapeutic.

It's so strange, though, because it's as if I feel relieved after writing everything down, because I no longer have to rely on my memory to retain these random wonderings, I now have them written down too. The feeling is almost indescribable.
You are allowed to talk about yourself endlessly and release all private feelings that you've previously kept locked away. It feels so GREAT relieving myself of these thoughts. It's almost like your final exam in a subject, where you can finally dump all your knowledge of that subject on a page and be done with it. You no longer have to keep reminding yourself of things.

I already feel lighter. The burden of worries I've had in my head now seem feeble written down, yet they had seemed to be swarming around my brain endlessly. It's also made me reconsider my dreams and aspirations. I was so set on a certain path for my life, but writing things down makes them seem like they are set in stone, considerably moreso than when it's just in your head, and it's made me considerably more doubtful about whether that's really what I want. Yes, it may still end up being the path I end up following, but hesitating over writing it down in my diary has made me realise that I can be open to so many other paths.

I think everyone should keep a diary. It has completely changed my perspective on my own life. I've revealed more worries than I thought I had, and although they haven't disappeared, I feel like I've relieved myself of them for at least a short time; I've released my darkest suppressed thoughts, and realised I'm not a bad person for thinking them; I've discovered what makes me happy, which thoughts and memories I should bring into my consciousness more often to make me more relaxed; I've discovered what I really want out of life.

And these entries may never be read.
Certainly, I hope no one else pries and destroys the confidentiality that my diary holds, but I myself may never read what I have written. I have no real need to: I'm not documenting what's happening every day in my life - that's what my five year diary is for -  whatever I'm writing I already know. Yet, even still, it feels like I'm talking to someone. And it honestly helps. Talking to someone you know won't judge, won't spill your secrets, won't expect you to ask about their lives too (despite that sounding terribly selfish, it's true, everyone wants to talk about themselves) - it's alleviating.

I've deliberately left this unedited, despite the fact that I know it's rambly, riddled with unnecessary commas, and no doubt open to misinterpretation. But I want it to feel organic and as if unscripted.

I can't finish this post without making a reference to this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DoVf-StW5nY. Hannah Witton is the one who gave me the idea to begin another diary, solely for my thoughts and feelings.

Start a diary.

Life Through Rose-Tinted Glasses

How much greener the grass is through these rose-tinted glasses - Passenger, The Wrong Direction

This is one of my absolute favourite song lyrics. I love how simple it is, yet so clever and so powerful.

Seeing the world through 'rose-tinted glasses' means only seeing the pleasant parts of it. By using this phrase with reference to the idiom 'The grass is always greener on the other side' (its exact opposite), Passenger seems to be suggesting that by looking only at the pleasant parts of the world, you can rid yourself of the envy within the phrase 'The grass is always on the other side' and instead appreciate what you have yourself - 'How much greener the grass is'.

I love this quote because it shows how by taking a different perspective on life for a short period of time, you can appreciate what you really have.

But is life permanently better through a narrow-minded view of only the positives? By ignoring depravity, poverty and austerity can you appreciate the fortunes in your own life?

Evil defines happiness. Without the creation of the devil, would heaven seem so attractive? If Pandora hadn't opened her box, would we ever understand elation? Or would we just be forever content?

I am what some may call a 'philosophical drunk' - I often try to tackle questions of moral responsibility and the good vs the evil and also have existential crises when intoxicated. Anyway, the other day (when a little tipsy) I came to the conclusion that the concept of Hell is perhaps favourable to the concept of Heaven. Yes, in Heaven, you will experience luxury and eternal pleasure without the worries of life on Earth, but can you really be happy without being able to compare your eternity to something terrible or evil? However in Hell, you would learn to appreciate the small pleasures, much like in life. This sounds like a very strange thing to say, as Hell is designed for eternal suffering, but when being tortured in many different ways, there would be ways of comparing one torment to another. You may not experience happiness (in its strictest form), but you would prefer one thing to another, you would experience favouritism.
Personally, even if it is not better, I think it definitely sounds more interesting than forever looking at snow-capped mountains and watching angels flutter about.

The Most Beautiful Song Lyrics

This Side - Nickel Creek

You dream of colours that have never been made,
You imagine songs that have never been played
They will try to buy you and your mind
But only the curious have something to find.

Keep Your Head Up - Ben Howard

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
No, no, no, no.
Keep your mind set, keep your hair long.
Oh my darlin' keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
No no no no, keep your mind set in your ways, keep your heart strong.

Awake My Soul - Mumford and Sons

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free.

Life's For The Living - Passenger

Don't you cry for the lost
Smile for the living
Get what you need and give what you're given
You know life's for the living so live it
Or you're better off dead.

Cabinet of Curiosities

Welcome to Cabinet of Curiosities, a collection of thoughts, peculiarities and junk loosely sorted into the form of a blog. Here, I can make a record of my weird wonderings, my arty photos, my favourite songs, books, films, quotes... the list is endless. Unlock the cabinet and understand and appreciate the world through new eyes, where everything you may think you know is pulled from beneath you until you are left doubting even your own existence. And know that even if you bolt the doors shut again and swallow the key, swearing to never enter the realms of this Wunderkammer ever again, you will always find a way to pick the lock and be immersed within its depths again. 

Curiosity will bring you back.