Are You Proud of What You've Become?

I think we all evolve as people. We all create new versions of ourselves constantly - maybe to fit in with a new group of friends, maybe when beginning a new path in life like university or a new job, or maybe just to become more comfortable and confident within ourselves. And the strangest thing about it is that - unless you want to dramatically reinvent yourself - we do it all completely subconsciously. One day you may begin to listen to a new style of music, another day you may pick out a dress that doesn't adhere to your normal style, and then all of a sudden you look back at an old version of yourself and realise you identify so little with
this person that you may as well be two different people.

Recently I've noticed a change in myself. Some people may just call this maturity - changing from a ditsy teenager to a young woman - but I think it's more like that I've found the ground that I'm comfortable on and I've settled on it. Yes, my personality will probably still change as I meet new people and travel down new paths of life, but I feel like I really know who I want to be now and I feel much more comfortable within myself. I am enjoying watching myself become this person.

When I first joined secondary school, I was desperate to fit in. I didn't necessarily wish to be popular, but I wanted to be liked and to establish long-lasting friendships. I didn't want to be the strange lonely girl I had become in my final year of primary school. But in order to fit in, I became somebody I really don't identify with now. I listened to Capital FM, became obsessed with Glee and began wearing make up to school just so I could be 'cool' and 'fit in'. I don't think I've done any of these things now for over 4 years and to be honest, I'm glad. Trying to be someone I wasn't just to be liked seems like such an immature thing to do now and I know I will never tread down that dark path again. But, on the other hand, I am also glad that I did go through this phase because it has made me aware of who I'm not and has contributed to my discovery of who I am. Never has the phrase 'You learn from your mistakes' applied so drastically to my life than now.

There have been a number of things that have made me realise that I'm transforming into something new and that have encouraged me to embrace this change.
I recently rediscovered my Tumblr account after a couple of years of absence and realised how my interests have completely changed. My account had been dedicated to Sherlock (particularly gifs of Johnlock), Dan and Phil (amongst other Youtubers) and Benedict Cumberbatch and I had been obsessed with blogging, reblogging and favouriting anything even faintly #relatable. Now, although I do still love Sherlock and watch youtubers from time to time, my interests have changed to folk music, languages and linguistics, and Doddleoddle (yes, a youtuber, but also an inspiration for who I aspire to be as a person style-wise, speech-wise, mentality-wise and life-wise).
And these interests have transformed me into a new person. Listening to this new style of music (as I am right now, writing this post) has influenced my life in such a positive way, by always keeping me uplifted and also by making me completely
reassess music and good musicianship. My interest in languages and linguistics has made me view the world in a totally different way and given me an aspiration which I am now driven to work towards. And when recently having a major sort out of my wardrobe, I ended up ridding myself of over half of my clothes as I no longer see myself as someone who wears (or suits) shorts shorts, tight tops or pretty and cutesy blouses and dresses - and now when buying new clothes for Autumn and Winter I am totally and utterly inspired by doddleoddle's fashion sense.

And although these seems like pretty menial things, together they have made me look at myself in the mirror and not only see myself as a new person, but a better person. Someone who seems happy. Someone who is slightly strange but is comfortable enough in their own skin to not care about being judged by others. Someone who is totally and utterly themselves. I am enjoying who I have become and who I am still becoming.

What Has Changed Me

One Day - David Nicholls

*takes a deep breath*
There is no way that I can describe the effect this book has had on me. I love it, indeed, more than words can say.
This book follows the lives of two friends, Emma and Dexter, from when they graduate from University right up until their forties, with each chapter describing their life on the 15th of July year after year.
Now I have to admit, this book takes quite a bit of time to get into. Every time a re-read it, I wonder once again why it's my favourite book, and I struggle to persevere through the first few chapters. But once you get about halfway through, you're trapped. You become so grossly obsessed with these two characters' lives that you cannot stop reading.
I still don't really know why this book is so important to me. I know that the first time I read it I loved it because Emma was so similar to me, and her life panned out very similar to how I wanted mine to pan out - with her becoming a teacher, an author and then moving to Paris - but I don't think that's the only reason. I think that it is also because I read it when I had no idea what I wanted to do when I was older (other than teaching or writing) and so the story showed me how much life I had ahead of me and how many opportunities I had open to me. Watching the characters develop and grow just showed me how much you can change as a person and the twists and turns in their lives showed me how you never know what's coming round the corner.
I feel like I'm massively understating the impact this book had on me, but honestly it is one of the best books you can read - especially when you're still young - as it really makes you wonder about your own life.

Sliding Doors

This film explores how one small, seemingly insignificant event can completely change how your life pans out.
There are so many things I love about this film - the storyline and cinematography is so clever, the romance is beautiful and although it seems like such a light-hearted film, its message is amazingly significant and profound.
It shows how anything can change what happens in your life, and whether it be for the better or for worse, you have no idea what will come of it.
Once again, it made me realise that I am only at the start of my life and so many things are waiting to happen. And maybe some will be planned in my fate, and maybe some will be up to these small seemingly inconsequential events, but I have so much ahead of me and so much to look forward to.
It's also just a very cute chick-flick.

John Lewis Never Knowingly Undersold TV Advert 2012

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wuv7IuFpJi8

It's beautiful, isn't it?

This is the most stunning advert I have ever watched. I love how beautifully it shows how times have changed, but 'what's important doesn't change'. The romance between the two characters is so perfect and delicate and the cinematography is so enchanting.
I think this advert has changed me because it gave me the first inspiration for the novel I'm writing. The idea of stories running parallel to each other, cross-overs of different time periods and romance between characters who cannot be together due to forces beyond their control really interests me. This advert changed me because it gave me inspiration.

Keeping a Diary

I've just begun writing in a diary again.

For my birthday, I got the 'One Line a Day Five Year Memory Book' and I think it's such a wonderful thing. Although I have only kept it for 2 months, I already can look back at the memories I've collected with nostalgia, so what will it be like in five years time, when I'm on my final year? I'll be 21 by then - which seems so old - and yet 5 years is such a short period of time that it scares me that so much can change in that period. I'll be in my final year of university then, but I've only just finished my GCSEs! I hope to have done so many things by that time - I want a distinction in grade 8 flute and a performance diploma, I want to have finished my first novel, I want to have got GCSE and A-level results that I'm proud of (and some rather more personal things that I'm not really ready to share with the internet...). This is such a big period of change, where I'm essentially deciding what I want to do for the rest of my life.

But the thing with this diary is that you are blessed with only a few lines a day, which leaves me craving for more room to write all my thoughts and feelings for that day. Hence why I have begun another diary, filled solely with said thoughts and feelings. To begin with, I organised my thoughts and made them comprehensible, but I'm only on my second entry and already I'm just spilling out everything I've ever thought into random ramblings. Anything I've ever remembered thinking or feeling I suddenly write down, and yes it may now be a mismatch of random notes and opinions and emotions but it feels like I'm spilling out every dwindling thought that I've had and kept locked away onto a page.

It's so incredibly therapeutic.

It's so strange, though, because it's as if I feel relieved after writing everything down, because I no longer have to rely on my memory to retain these random wonderings, I now have them written down too. The feeling is almost indescribable.
You are allowed to talk about yourself endlessly and release all private feelings that you've previously kept locked away. It feels so GREAT relieving myself of these thoughts. It's almost like your final exam in a subject, where you can finally dump all your knowledge of that subject on a page and be done with it. You no longer have to keep reminding yourself of things.

I already feel lighter. The burden of worries I've had in my head now seem feeble written down, yet they had seemed to be swarming around my brain endlessly. It's also made me reconsider my dreams and aspirations. I was so set on a certain path for my life, but writing things down makes them seem like they are set in stone, considerably moreso than when it's just in your head, and it's made me considerably more doubtful about whether that's really what I want. Yes, it may still end up being the path I end up following, but hesitating over writing it down in my diary has made me realise that I can be open to so many other paths.

I think everyone should keep a diary. It has completely changed my perspective on my own life. I've revealed more worries than I thought I had, and although they haven't disappeared, I feel like I've relieved myself of them for at least a short time; I've released my darkest suppressed thoughts, and realised I'm not a bad person for thinking them; I've discovered what makes me happy, which thoughts and memories I should bring into my consciousness more often to make me more relaxed; I've discovered what I really want out of life.

And these entries may never be read.
Certainly, I hope no one else pries and destroys the confidentiality that my diary holds, but I myself may never read what I have written. I have no real need to: I'm not documenting what's happening every day in my life - that's what my five year diary is for -  whatever I'm writing I already know. Yet, even still, it feels like I'm talking to someone. And it honestly helps. Talking to someone you know won't judge, won't spill your secrets, won't expect you to ask about their lives too (despite that sounding terribly selfish, it's true, everyone wants to talk about themselves) - it's alleviating.

I've deliberately left this unedited, despite the fact that I know it's rambly, riddled with unnecessary commas, and no doubt open to misinterpretation. But I want it to feel organic and as if unscripted.

I can't finish this post without making a reference to this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DoVf-StW5nY. Hannah Witton is the one who gave me the idea to begin another diary, solely for my thoughts and feelings.

Start a diary.

The Most Beautiful Song Lyrics

This Side - Nickel Creek

You dream of colours that have never been made,
You imagine songs that have never been played
They will try to buy you and your mind
But only the curious have something to find.

Keep Your Head Up - Ben Howard

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
No, no, no, no.
Keep your mind set, keep your hair long.
Oh my darlin' keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
No no no no, keep your mind set in your ways, keep your heart strong.

Awake My Soul - Mumford and Sons

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free.

Life's For The Living - Passenger

Don't you cry for the lost
Smile for the living
Get what you need and give what you're given
You know life's for the living so live it
Or you're better off dead.