Keeping a Diary

I've just begun writing in a diary again.

For my birthday, I got the 'One Line a Day Five Year Memory Book' and I think it's such a wonderful thing. Although I have only kept it for 2 months, I already can look back at the memories I've collected with nostalgia, so what will it be like in five years time, when I'm on my final year? I'll be 21 by then - which seems so old - and yet 5 years is such a short period of time that it scares me that so much can change in that period. I'll be in my final year of university then, but I've only just finished my GCSEs! I hope to have done so many things by that time - I want a distinction in grade 8 flute and a performance diploma, I want to have finished my first novel, I want to have got GCSE and A-level results that I'm proud of (and some rather more personal things that I'm not really ready to share with the internet...). This is such a big period of change, where I'm essentially deciding what I want to do for the rest of my life.

But the thing with this diary is that you are blessed with only a few lines a day, which leaves me craving for more room to write all my thoughts and feelings for that day. Hence why I have begun another diary, filled solely with said thoughts and feelings. To begin with, I organised my thoughts and made them comprehensible, but I'm only on my second entry and already I'm just spilling out everything I've ever thought into random ramblings. Anything I've ever remembered thinking or feeling I suddenly write down, and yes it may now be a mismatch of random notes and opinions and emotions but it feels like I'm spilling out every dwindling thought that I've had and kept locked away onto a page.

It's so incredibly therapeutic.

It's so strange, though, because it's as if I feel relieved after writing everything down, because I no longer have to rely on my memory to retain these random wonderings, I now have them written down too. The feeling is almost indescribable.
You are allowed to talk about yourself endlessly and release all private feelings that you've previously kept locked away. It feels so GREAT relieving myself of these thoughts. It's almost like your final exam in a subject, where you can finally dump all your knowledge of that subject on a page and be done with it. You no longer have to keep reminding yourself of things.

I already feel lighter. The burden of worries I've had in my head now seem feeble written down, yet they had seemed to be swarming around my brain endlessly. It's also made me reconsider my dreams and aspirations. I was so set on a certain path for my life, but writing things down makes them seem like they are set in stone, considerably moreso than when it's just in your head, and it's made me considerably more doubtful about whether that's really what I want. Yes, it may still end up being the path I end up following, but hesitating over writing it down in my diary has made me realise that I can be open to so many other paths.

I think everyone should keep a diary. It has completely changed my perspective on my own life. I've revealed more worries than I thought I had, and although they haven't disappeared, I feel like I've relieved myself of them for at least a short time; I've released my darkest suppressed thoughts, and realised I'm not a bad person for thinking them; I've discovered what makes me happy, which thoughts and memories I should bring into my consciousness more often to make me more relaxed; I've discovered what I really want out of life.

And these entries may never be read.
Certainly, I hope no one else pries and destroys the confidentiality that my diary holds, but I myself may never read what I have written. I have no real need to: I'm not documenting what's happening every day in my life - that's what my five year diary is for -  whatever I'm writing I already know. Yet, even still, it feels like I'm talking to someone. And it honestly helps. Talking to someone you know won't judge, won't spill your secrets, won't expect you to ask about their lives too (despite that sounding terribly selfish, it's true, everyone wants to talk about themselves) - it's alleviating.

I've deliberately left this unedited, despite the fact that I know it's rambly, riddled with unnecessary commas, and no doubt open to misinterpretation. But I want it to feel organic and as if unscripted.

I can't finish this post without making a reference to this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DoVf-StW5nY. Hannah Witton is the one who gave me the idea to begin another diary, solely for my thoughts and feelings.

Start a diary.